Flying Long-Haul With a Baby and a Toddler

Plane seats have gotten smaller. It isn't your imagination, and it isn't an accident: shrink the standard seat and more people pay to get out of it. USA Today has written about it. The New York Post has written about it. Everyone has written about it.

I am a very stubborn person. Tell me I have to buy something and I will dig my heels in out of pure principle. I held that line right up until I was looking at seven or eight hours overnight with a baby on my lap and a toddler in a seat the width of a magazine. With little kids, I deserve a true vacation, and the vacation starts on the plane. (Fine. It starts at the airport. But the plane is where the real logistical issues show up.)

So for long haul I pick the seat first, then look at the price, then work out the timing. On a short hop I'd order it differently, but that's a different post.

Seat first

The premium economy plan

Most overnight planes to Europe have three blocks of seats and two aisles. The window seats are calling your name. I know. Ignore it for a second, because two rules decide where you sit. Both parents need to be able to get out without climbing over a sleeping child. And anything you use to turn a seat into a toddler "bed" (a seat extender) can't block anyone's way out in an emergency.

On the side blocks, that puts a child in the window seat. With a family of four you'd have to split up and do it twice, and if you have a toddler like mine who can't decide whether mom or dad is her favorite (only on a plane; at home she's clear, it's dad, lol), you'll spend the flight explaining why she can't keep getting up to visit the other one. In the middle block, the kids take the middle seats (both with extenders) and there's a parent on each aisle. That's the one. Check your airline's rules on seat extenders before you buy one, because they vary.

Then it comes down to the baby's age. Under one, you want the bulkhead for the bassinet (weight dependent, more on that in a second). Over twelve months, buy the fourth seat in that middle block. Yes, a lap child under two only costs you taxes and fees (on many international routes, about 10% of the fare plus taxes), and yes, that's tempting. But once they're on the move, it is REALLY hard to keep them as a lap child for seven to eight hours, and you will land with a mental breakdown penciled into the itinerary. A bed of their own is a far better idea. Plus they get their own TV. Oh yes. We use screen time on these flights.

Now, the bassinet. Check the limits before you count on one, because they're set by weight and length and every airline draws the line somewhere different. Delta's take babies under 25 pounds and 26 inches. United's go to 20 pounds. British Airways has a carry-cot style up to 8kg and a reclining seat style up to 12.5kg. A big eleven-month-old can already be over, and nobody at the gate is going to bend the rule because you asked nicely. There are only a few bassinet rows and they go first, so book the seat the day you book the flight. Not the week after. The day. You can request the bassinet later, but if someone has already bought that seat, baby or not, they won't move them.

The business plan

Different math. Keep the baby as a lap child and save the cost. They're with you for takeoff and landing and sleep right next to you. For a toddler, takeoff and landing alone can be really scary, so if your business seats aren't next to each other, ask a flight attendant whether there are two seats together in economy where one of you can sit with the toddler for those parts. Then back up front for the rest. This is the dream scenario, but it's definitely not within everyone's budget. Premium economy is a great value for this stage of life.

It's not only the space

Here's what nobody puts in the upgrade ad: the service. In premium economy and business, the flight attendants will hold your meal while you feed the kids first. They'll fill up the water bottle. Sometimes they'll even walk the toddler up and down the aisle. You're a person, not a seat number, and that is huge when you have no hands or patience left. The bathroom lines are shorter. They'll also work to keep your carry-ons near you and definitely on the plane, which matters when you're on your second set of spare clothes and digging for the diapers. That's what you're paying for. Not the champagne, though the wine has come in handy more than once.

Where I wouldn't sit

Anywhere in basic economy. People will tell you it's more forgiving with kids. Don't believe it. It's usually younger adults without kids (and without the experience that comes with them), or people newer to travel who believe "kids shouldn't fly" just because they didn't fly as kids. It's also where everyone comes to stand and stretch, the lights stay on longest, and the toilet door bangs all night. Hard pass.

The extra-cost seats tend to have the grandparent who "misses those days," parents on business trips who are just happy their kids are home and they get a movie and a beer in peace, or, truthfully, other parents in your exact same position, for better or worse. We once had a couple behind us with a toddler about six months older than ours, on her first long haul. Our daughter had fallen asleep, and then theirs screamed. It woke ours, and the parents apologized the whole trip (we couldn't get our daughter back to sleep after that). It happens. We're in this travel parenting thing together. If your kid doesn't sleep, don't force it, because it won't work. Just move on to calm entertainment.

To bring the car seat or not

I want to be honest: we've never brought the car seat on board. It was just too much stuff for us to be carrying to the gate and getting on and off the plane. The stroller to gate-check, the car seat for the plane (do these even fit in basic economy seats anymore?), the diaper, food and toy bag. I'm stressed just typing it. But I see a lot of people swear by it, if they know their kid will sleep in it.

Personally, I'm a WAYB Pico fan. It's not cheap, but with how much we travel it has paid for itself. It works for us because we can use it for takeoff, when we need our kids locked in and not wriggling out of the seatbelt, then fold it into the overhead once they're ready to sleep on a seat extender. It folds small enough to ride on top of your suitcase as you move through the airport, so it doesn't take an extra hand. It's also great if your destination is all public transportation and taxis, since it comes along without the bulk of a full car seat. You can easily take an Uber to dinner, fold it up and slide it under the table. Note that it's forward-facing only and definitely doesn't have the side protection a full car seat has. In the US, WAYB lists it for kids at least two years old and 22 to 50 pounds, but do your own research there.

If you know your kid will sleep in their car seat for seven to eight hours, and you'll be renting a car, covering long distances or driving windy mountain roads, bring the full car seat. I'd put it in a wheeled bag and check it. If the WAYB Pico isn't in your price range and you don't want to bring your car seat on the plane, use a CARES harness on board (it's for kids 22 to 44 pounds). Whatever you bring on the plane, make sure it's FAA-approved (the Pico and the CARES harness both are), or you won't be allowed to use it. They are strict about this.

We also have the Doona, and I think it's a great travel option too. I'm weird about my kids sitting in a car seat for long stretches when they're little, so we'd bring our travel stroller with the bassinet (shout out to the YOYO) for walking around, checked so it's not one more thing to haul through the airport, and use the Doona for the airport, the plane and taxis.

Then price

If you're going to spend anywhere, spend it on the overnight portion. Premium economy or business there. On a daytime flight home, I'd drop back to premium economy or main cabin and put the money into the hotel at the other end.

Then timing: the hour-by-hour

Before the airport. Normal dinner at home, especially for the kids. Pack your personal items with:

• An extra set of clothes for each kid, pajamas, and extra pajamas
• Diapers, or extra underwear and a travel potty if that's where they are
• A wet bag or freezer bag for soiled clothes
• A crazy amount of snacks (I am not a snack parent. On a plane, I become one.)
• Bottles, formula and milk. Milk, formula and baby food are allowed through security above the 3.4-ounce limit; tell the officer at the start.
• Pacifiers and the comfort stuffie
• A few toys
• A charged iPad with favorite shows and a drawing app downloaded, and chargers

Having this organized in a way that works for you is a GAME CHANGER. We usually do essentials in one personal item and toys and extra clothes in the other. The soiled-clothes bag lives with the diapers, wipes and changing pad, because you do not want to be hunting for it at that particular moment. The kids stay in their normal clothes until we're at the airport. Pajamas mean we're going to sleep soon, not that we're about to run laps around the terminal for three hours.

At the airport. Lounge access: check your credit cards, and check whether your seat gives it to you. This is huge. Free food and drinks, a real chair, nice bathrooms, and room for the kids to run about a bit before they're buckled in for the night. Worth it even if you have to pay. Before you leave the lounge: fresh diapers, pajamas on, everyone into the stroller. Stroller to the gate, then gate-check it, or if it's small enough, bring it on as your carry-on. One stroller on board beats none.

In theory, one parent boards early with the bags and the baby and sets up camp, while the other stays in the terminal with the toddler until last call. Less time sitting on the plane is less time for a toddler to lose it before takeoff. In practice, you may not have enough hands to get all the luggage on, and sometimes the gate agent won't count the other parent toward the carry-ons you're bringing on board. Ask ahead of time.

Boarding. Strap the kids in while you set up. Know where everything is before takeoff: what's in the overhead and what's at your feet. Snacks and toys stay with you. You won't be able to get up for about an hour, and that is a long hour to discover the snacks are in the overhead bin.

Takeoff. Bottle, nursing, or a pacifier for the baby. A snack cup or a straw water bottle for the toddler. Swallowing helps their ears.

The first ninety minutes. Skip the meal service for them. They ate at home, and they won't eat on the plane no matter how much you think they'd like the mac and cheese. Set up the seat extenders or bassinet once the seatbelt sign is off, and let them play and watch TV while the lights are on. You eat in shifts. Lights go off, and so does play.

Ideally they sleep. For our kids it's 50/50. Sometimes they're out right away. Sometimes we have to reset, put a show back on, and they go down halfway through a favorite show. Sometimes twenty minutes before descent, which is its own special kind of comedy. Keep in mind that this is all new to them, and you have an easy day once you get there to reset. Do not stress about getting them to sleep. It is truly futile. We have done it too many times. The best game plan is to keep everyone calm, yourselves included. This is vacation. It's theirs too.

Oh, and on the screens. We used to do no screen time and entertained our daughter for all eight hours if she didn't sleep. It was so exhausting, and completely unrealistic once our son came along. At the end of the day, I can't sit on a seven-to-eight-hour flight without watching a show. I can't read a book that long, or craft, or whatever. So why would I expect a toddler, with a far smaller attention span, to do it while not being allowed to walk around and play? And if they do fall asleep, wake them for nothing. Truly nothing. Not the meal. Not a diaper change. Not to look out the window (if you still picked the window seat, lol).

The middle of the night. "Sleep when the baby sleeps," but actually try to here. Just don't wear noise-canceling headphones. You'll hear them if they wake, or at least one of you will.

Ninety minutes out. Let them sleep as long as you can. If they wake before descent: fresh diaper, change of clothes, a real snack, then drinks and snacks on the way down for their ears again. If they sleep until landing, do the fresh diaper, change of clothes and snack in an airport bathroom while one parent waits for the checked luggage.

The first day is the other half of the plan

A seven-hour overnight gets you in around breakfast time with nobody properly slept, which is exactly when a front desk likes to tell you check-in is at three. So the travel agent partner perks, like early check-in, are crucial, or you can book the hotel room from the night before and walk straight in. If you do, make sure the hotel knows you're arriving in the morning, so they don't mark you as a no-show and sell your room to someone else. It's the one line on the invoice I'd never cut. A scheduled private transfer, with car seats already secured, is the other. Then a nap for everyone until noon, outside in the afternoon light, dinner early, and bed at a normal local time. Most families are close to right by day two.

Common questions